Spring Cleaning For Myself

So, it’s more or less two months until I am done with uni. And four months until I graduate!

I still feel like a little girl, playing dress up in mum’s clothes, so unprepared for this whole growing up and being a real adult thing. But, at the same time, I can’t wait to graduate and be a real human being.

At the moment, I’ve been experiencing some minor personal issues that keep bringing me down. I have to tell myself, that things, though seemingly meaningless, happen for a reason, whether good or bad. What has happened, happened. And, no matter what I do, it cannot change the past. The loss experienced cannot be undone. I suppose, after I lost a  friend of mine recently (not through death, but through bad decisions and growing impatience on both of our parts, resulting in the breakdown of our friendship) I kind of went through the grieving process.

It’s so easy after losing a friend  this way, to become jaded and angry and to allow yourself to be filled with hatred. And, I’m not saying that I succeed in this everyday, but I’m trying to let it wash over me. It’s just water over a duck’s back, after all. I’m trying to repeat the words, “be better, not bitter.” And, it’s hard. Sometimes, I’m the meanest person in the universe and no one is safe from my cruel words. Other days, I’m the most gentle person you’ll meet.  I’m trying to get on with my life, causing as little conflict as I can. Being better, not bitter doesn’t mean that it makes it any easier. But, for me, it means that I’m not focusing my energy on negative influences. Instead, I’m trying to appreciate the fact that I have wonderful friends, a loving boyfriend, a family most people would be jealous of, and a degree that’s going pretty well.

Everyone makes mistakes, but I’m so mean to myself when I make them. I’ve said this before, but being kind starts with yourself. And, I want to be kinder to people around me.  It’s an everyday commitment to be kind to yourself and others, but since I’ve decided to see myself positively, it’s changed how I see things. I can be so horrible about myself/past mistakes/failures, and I’m turning that around. I’m just kind of tired of hating myself, and judging myself to such a high standard, because I’m not all that bad. In fact, I’m pretty awesome! And, I’m a good friend. And, a good cat mother. And….

SO, as part of my Spring cleaning, I’m changing my outlook on situations/myself. Bring on the next few months of uni! Bring on graduation (I will update before then…). Until then, hope the sun shines in your direction and keep on keeping on.

Peace out,

Jemma

be better not bitter

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The End of Writer’s Block

Recently, I’ve felt like I’ve been unable to write anything at all. I keep sitting down to write a blog post, but always end up retreating. It feels like too much of a daunting task to sit down and just write. However, I’ve decided that now is the time to get back on the horse and start typing again!

To put it bluntly, depression has been getting in my way for a while. Something to remember about depression: it seems to appear from no where, then, before you know it, you’re stuck. Stuck in this void with no obvious way out.

You know that there’s reasons to wake up and shower (and other mundane tasks which suddenly feel impossible to achieve) but you just can’t make sense of them. Suddenly, everything feels incredibly distant to you. Everything weighs heavily on you.

There’s been a lot going on in my life at the moment:

  1. I’ve been given hearing aids. For all you wondering, I have mild hearing loss. Adjusting to being able to hear all these new sounds is quite frustrating. I mean, you can probably imagine not being able to hear properly, then all at once, there are ALL these sounds!
  2. It’s the second semester of third (and final year), and try as I might, I can’t help but feel like I’m constantly drowning in work. Finding the right balance between work and play doesn’t feel possible.

So, all in all, I’m getting there. I know there will still be days that feel like thunderstorms, but there will also be days that don’t.

I have found that the act of self-love/(aka looking after yourself/treating yourself nicely when you don’t feel like it) is not one single action, but a continuous effort to be kind to yourself. (Which is something I continue to struggle with.) But, I’m setting myself a few goals:

  1. Update this blog more frequently!!!! It’s only scary until you do it.
  2. Practice self-love (especially when I don’t feel like it).

And, on that note, I’ll leave you with this:

inspo

 

 

Mental Health Awareness

Since it was Mental health awareness day yesterday I thought I might write a blog post on this topic, as it’s one that is pretty close to my heart.

As many people who are close to me know, I have suffered from mental illnesses (Depression and Anxiety) on and off for years. It’s not been the easiest thing to be honest and open about, but here we go.

Mental illnesses can be debilitating and can control your every thought, making it hard to do simple tasks, like showering or eating. Getting out of bed in the morning can feel like a chore, and that if I can’t even wake up in the morning, what’s the point?

For me, things have begun getting better since I started addressing the fact that my mental health is real and that it matters. I’ve been acknowledging  the fact that what I feel is completely valid. I’ve begun talking about it, telling friends, telling family.

Whilst it’s not exactly been a walk in the park, and bad days still occur, I’m much more prepared to deal with them now than I used to be. I have a larger support system, which is so, so important.

I believe there is a power in speaking out about our illnesses. By doing this we can eradicate the stigma that surrounds mental health issues. We are still worthy and we are still people.

It’s important to remember that just because you can’t see a wound, it doesn’t mean that the wound doesn’t exist.

Thanks for reading, be kind to your mind xmental-health

 

 

Ignorance

You need not hear me, so I

hammered my temper into your palms,

pressed my nails into your skin,

I will not be ignored.

 

You did not hear me, so I

began breaking ribcages, shattering

the struts that held us together,

I demand only your attention.

I will not be ignored.

 

Portrait of The Young Poet in Front of the Swing set, Age 6, Northampton

 

 

I hold you

between my fingertips, careful

not to sweat

onto your smile

wider than the rings

Saturn proposed to the sky with.

 

You do not

blink back at me,

your inky eyes crafted

like the ocean, they

refuse to ripple

when I drop pennies

in exchange for wishes.

 

Your hair parted

like Moses’ water,

rip curls singing

of pebbled beaches, of

comb teeth long lost,

in the matted debris

of golden locks.

 

Crimson uniform bundled

over youthful bones,

enveloped across rosy skin,

you wear it

like a laurel,

crowning your feathered hair.

 

You bolt forward,

fuelled by the

power of Zeus

beneath your sandaled feet,

to eat chicken pie, made by

ma. Food of the Gods.

little-me

Photo that Portrait of the Young Poet in Front of the Swing set, Age 6, Northampton is based upon

Sukiyaki Elegy

Rooms were always larger

with her inside them,

warmth elevating

from the five foot one structure

her bones were bundled in,

mugs of tea constantly cradled

in the crooks of her fingers.

 

The aroma of Sukiyaki,

of simmering onions,

cabbage crisp in the pan,

melting under our noses.

 

With eyes larger than our dinner plates,

we stacked our hot pot meal

to the celling,

used our chopsticks as a ladder,

to climb the struts of beef before us.