Spring Cleaning For Myself

So, it’s more or less two months until I am done with uni. And four months until I graduate!

I still feel like a little girl, playing dress up in mum’s clothes, so unprepared for this whole growing up and being a real adult thing. But, at the same time, I can’t wait to graduate and be a real human being.

At the moment, I’ve been experiencing some minor personal issues that keep bringing me down. I have to tell myself, that things, though seemingly meaningless, happen for a reason, whether good or bad. What has happened, happened. And, no matter what I do, it cannot change the past. The loss experienced cannot be undone. I suppose, after I lost a  friend of mine recently (not through death, but through bad decisions and growing impatience on both of our parts, resulting in the breakdown of our friendship) I kind of went through the grieving process.

It’s so easy after losing a friend  this way, to become jaded and angry and to allow yourself to be filled with hatred. And, I’m not saying that I succeed in this everyday, but I’m trying to let it wash over me. It’s just water over a duck’s back, after all. I’m trying to repeat the words, “be better, not bitter.” And, it’s hard. Sometimes, I’m the meanest person in the universe and no one is safe from my cruel words. Other days, I’m the most gentle person you’ll meet.  I’m trying to get on with my life, causing as little conflict as I can. Being better, not bitter doesn’t mean that it makes it any easier. But, for me, it means that I’m not focusing my energy on negative influences. Instead, I’m trying to appreciate the fact that I have wonderful friends, a loving boyfriend, a family most people would be jealous of, and a degree that’s going pretty well.

Everyone makes mistakes, but I’m so mean to myself when I make them. I’ve said this before, but being kind starts with yourself. And, I want to be kinder to people around me.  It’s an everyday commitment to be kind to yourself and others, but since I’ve decided to see myself positively, it’s changed how I see things. I can be so horrible about myself/past mistakes/failures, and I’m turning that around. I’m just kind of tired of hating myself, and judging myself to such a high standard, because I’m not all that bad. In fact, I’m pretty awesome! And, I’m a good friend. And, a good cat mother. And….

SO, as part of my Spring cleaning, I’m changing my outlook on situations/myself. Bring on the next few months of uni! Bring on graduation (I will update before then…). Until then, hope the sun shines in your direction and keep on keeping on.

Peace out,

Jemma

be better not bitter

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